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POSTCARD USA: Black magic has Pakistanis in thrall
By Khalid Hasan
These characters are spending
thousands of dollars every week by advertising in America and thousands of
pounds for the same purpose in Britain. These are not public service ads so
obviously they are raking it in. And who are their clients? Pakistanis in
thousands
What is to become of Pakistanis living in America, I wonder every time I open
one of the five or six Urdu newspapers that are published in New York and are
yours to grab free of charge at any Pakistani grocery store or restaurant. Their
economics must be in good nick because their owners and editors all appear to be
doing rather well, thank you.
What gets my goat, when I open one of them, are the advertising they carry from
such gents as Nagi BA, “Pakistan’s celebrated and renowned soothsayer,
astrologer and astropalmist”. What an “astropalmist” is I have not the faintest
idea unless he is someone who reads his clients’ hands by looking at the stars
in the noonday sky. Nagi BA advertises in every Pakistani and Indian publication
in America, but he lives in Blighty as his phone numbers indicate.
If he does not live there, he appears to be permanently on a tour of that
country, which is understandable since it has more born-to-be-duped Pakistanis
than any other spot in the world. Nagi BA even lists a website but when I
clicked it some astrocyber satanic force landed me on one belonging to either a
ready-to-wear outlet or a jiu-jitsu trainer.
Nagi BA has a helpline as well and invites those in need to call at all hours of
the day or night. If there are any laws in England for the murder of the English
language, I suggest the immediate incarceration of Nagi BA.
Here is the Perfect Master in his own words, “Do you some times feel that every
thing is going wrong for you in life? Don’t Hesitate to Call Astro Palmist Amil
Nagi B.A. An internationally renowned spiritual healer clairvoyant and adviser
with more than a century of family history of helping and solving peoples
problems all over the world. I can help you in bringing back your loved one (rootha
huwa mehboob), I can help you study well in exams, success in business,
infertility, court cases, breaking all sort of black magic, ie back luck [bad
back?], sexual difficulties, Infidelity in relationship, domestic family
problems. I can recall or Estranged wife or husband return of your loved ones
marriage to someone you always loved (I want Elsa Martinelli as she was in
1964). I can help you with strong taviz and immigration problems (Homeland
Security, kindly note), so don’t suffer in silence call today. Just a single
call can change your life forever, all work is guaranteed and will start
immediately.”
Nagi BA also claims to be in possession of 72 letters of Ism-i-Azam (the spell
to lick all spells) with God Almighty, he adds, holding the 73rd. I suppose the
Almighty appreciates the favour that Nagi BA has done Him by letting Him keep
the 73rd letter which must be the clincher. However, Nagi BA has competition in
the same newspaper, and on a quarter of the back page at that, from Sai Bukhari
Sahib, who too has a British phone number in Brighton.
When I called it, the phone was picked up and in the background I could hear a
child hollering, so I hung up because if Sai Bokhari Sahib cannot keep that brat
from hollering, he is unlikely to make the Naqsh-i-Mohabbat (Love’s Calligraphy)
that he advertises “drag back from across the seven seas the separated beloved,
induce the ill-tempered wife to become a lifelong loving companion, and cure
pain that is deemed incurable.” He can also deal with black magic, psychological
diseases and evil spirits.
But wait, a powerful challenge comes from a most unexpected location. It is Mian
Subhani Sahib (ad comes complete with the picture of a white bearded gent but no
moustache) from Saudi Arabia. I had thought that the Saudis brooked no such
mumbo-jumbo but you can’t keep a good spellbreaker down. Subhani Sahib gives his
phone numbers and even a post box address in Al Khobar. I hope some Saudi snoop
is reading this because if the Saudis hate anything more than Al Qaeda, it is
Mian Subhani Sahib and his tribe of tricksters.
What knocks me out is that these characters are spending thousands of dollars
every week by advertising in America and thousands of pounds for the same
purpose in Britain. These are not public service ads so obviously they are
raking it in. And who are their clients? Pakistanis in thousands.
Perhaps it is time for me to kiss journalism goodbye and get into the business
of reuniting lovers separated by the cruel hand of fate which will earn me more
a day than I make in a month.